Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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