none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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