Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
