No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
