I'd wear matching sweaters with you
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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