the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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