She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
