Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
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