I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Randomize
