were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
