some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Randomize
