i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
