swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
