There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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