Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
