I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
