Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
