I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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