Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
