I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
