I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
