i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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