Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
