im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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