i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
