I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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