we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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