You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I enjoy the company of your penis
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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