you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Can you bring me the toilet please
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
