Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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