I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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