Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
