I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
