the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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