Your dad touched me again.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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