Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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