Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
