You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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