That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
