my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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