yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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