I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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