OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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