This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
they're like a gay fantastic four
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Randomize
