I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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