Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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