Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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