i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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