Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
