I only kidnapped one of them. chill
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
