Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
do nipples grow back?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
