Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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