I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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