It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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