She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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