Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
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